By Danielle Ramos
newyorkfamily.com
Over the years, I’ve spoken to countless mothers about various topics, and of course, family, friends, and neighbors, and there is one recurring theme in all of these conversations: mothers are mentally exhausted.
Before most of us get out of bed (or before we fall asleep), we’re mentally going over what needs to be done, and we probably continue doing it in the shower, during our commutes, or any time our minds aren’t busy.
We are aware of everything and everyone, even when we are technically free, schedules, meals, emails from school, things that no one else sees.
As any New York mom can attest, this constant mental check is not only exhausting, it can quickly become overwhelming…and where is it written that we have to do everything…all the time?
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed and thought everyone else knows how to cope except you, know this: nothing could be further from the truth. That’s the recurring thought in many mothers’ heads, that we’re not doing enough when, in reality, we’re probably doing too much.
In this candid Q&A, Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a New York-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, discusses why so many mothers feel burned out, how chronic mental overload affects the nervous system, and why the recommendation to simply learn to better manage stress doesn’t address the underlying problem.
There is a lot of talk about mental workload, but how does it really manifest itself in the daily lives of mothers? And why does so much of it still fall on them?
– For many mothers, the mental load feels like an endless to-do list constantly running through their mind. They are aware of schedules, messages from school, meals and everything the home needs.
Even when nothing is actively happening, your brain never fully rests. The mother is usually the reference person in the home. Much of what he does is “behind the scenes,” so he sometimes goes unnoticed and unrecognized.
When a mother is constantly planning, remembering and anticipating the needs of others, what consequences does this have for her long-term mental and emotional health?
It becomes an exhausting cycle because it is a mental juggling act that doesn’t leave much room for error. If a 7-year-old child is not picked up on time and is left waiting alone in the cold, the consequences are significant.
Over time, this depletes the nervous system and can lead to irritability, stress, anxiety, difficulty falling or staying asleep, headaches, and fatigue. In the long term, this ongoing stress can increase the risk of burnout and emotional fatigue.
Many pieces of advice tell mothers to cope better with stress or manage it in other ways. From your perspective, are mothers doing something wrong, or are they burning out because the system around them is not designed to support them?
– Most mothers are not doing anything wrong; Rather, they feel exhausted because they carry an unrealistic amount of responsibility in a system that expects them to shoulder it silently. With so many mothers working full-time and being single parents, there are legitimate issues that create stress for even the most resilient women.
Telling people to “manage stress better” fails to take into account the invisible work that mothers do every day. When childcare, work demands, household chores, and emotional support fall on one person, it can be stressful.
It is difficult to solve a structural problem with simple tips to manage stress. Many mothers are incredibly resilient, but they are far pushing their limits. What is really needed is greater stewardship, flexibility and real support, not better stress management tricks.
When a mother has to constantly ask or remind her partner to help out at home, how does this affect the closeness and support she feels? And what happens to the relationship when one partner has to manage and remind the other of basic household chores?
– A mother who has to insist or repeatedly ask for her partner’s collaboration to feel supported often feels helpless. Little by little, you may begin to feel more like the boss than the partner, which can be emotionally draining.
Asking, requesting, or reminding your partner to perform basic tasks can lead to friction and resentment. It also increases the mental load on the mother, who has to realize that there is a pending task, remember to do something about it, and then delegate it to someone else.
The relationship gradually becomes a father-son dynamic rather than a relationship of equals. The more pronounced this change is, the more likely it is that trust and intimacy will be affected. In the end, both partners may feel estranged, even if they still love each other.
Many mothers say that the constant flow of news only increases their stress. Is there a healthy way to stay informed without feeling overwhelmed, or is disconnecting from time to time the healthier option?
One strategy is to set specific times to check the news instead of checking it all day. Choose a reliable media outlet to obtain the information. If you notice that it’s becoming overwhelming because it’s causing you anger, sadness, or stress, it’s time to unplug. Taking breaks allows the brain to rest and prevents stress from building up. The key is to find a balance that allows you to stay informed without draining your mental energy.
We hear a lot about self-care, but what can really ease a mother’s mental load in a meaningful and lasting way?
– Free time/time to relax: True free time means that the mother can disconnect without worrying about what may be happening in her absence. This can be spending time with friends, going for a walk, or taking a bath without interruptions. This can help you feel refreshed and actually be a more present mother and partner, feeling more relaxed and in tune with yourself.
Shared responsibility, not just “help”: Shared responsibility means that the father takes on half of the tasks without being constantly asked to do so. When tasks and responsibilities are shared equally, the mother feels that she is not carrying the burden of the home alone. This also reduces frustration and tension between the couple.
If there was a mindset shift that could immediately alleviate the guilt and pressure on overwhelmed moms, what would you tell them?
– It is important to know that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. As they say, it takes a community to raise a child.
Accepting help strengthens family dynamics because it allows you to be more mentally and emotionally present.
No one measures your worth by how many tasks you remember, the car trips you take, or the cookies you bake. Learn to be less demanding of yourself. Your family simply wants the best version of you.
