You or your partner have just been diagnosed with heart disease. How will they tell their children?
First of all, keep in mind that this will not be a single conversation; It will be a series of conversations, says Dr. Jennifer Connor-Smith, a clinical psychologist based in Portland, Oregon. Prepare what you want to say and end the conversation with an attitude open to dialogue. Also, make sure you start as soon as possible.
“It’s easy for parents to worry about saying the wrong thing and end up putting off the conversation,” she says. “It’s important to know that saying something imperfect with love and good intentions is better than a conversation that never happens.”
Here’s how to get started:
– Choose a good time:
When is your child most receptive to a serious conversation? Right before bed? In the car? While taking a walk around the neighborhood? Connor-Smith recommends thinking carefully about the best time to have the conversation before you start.
– Give the information little by little:
Not all children will ask directly if you are going to die. Some will have more practical questions. They may want to see a heart model to understand what is happening. Others will want to know if your illness means next week’s vacation will be cancelled. Give the information slowly and wait for questions to arise.
“When kids ask questions, ask them to tell you what they’re thinking or if they have any particular worries at the moment,” she recommends. “The more information you get from them, the better you will understand what they think.”
– Explain to them that it is not their fault:
Since some children may blame themselves for a parent’s illness, it is important to make it clear that they are not to blame.
“Younger children may worry that they caused your heart disease because they may have said ‘I hate you’ in the past when they were angry,” says Connor-Smith. “Be sure to tell them that the illness is not their fault and that there are things you can do to make things better, like exercising and eating healthy.”
– Make them feel safe:
Bad health news can make children worry about a change in daily routine, Connor-Smith says. Dispel these fears by explaining what changes they will experience in their daily lives and how long they will last, from who will pick them up from school when you have a doctor’s appointment to who will prepare their favorite lunch.
“This is a good time to accept help from friends,” he says. “If they offer, ask them to help you prepare lunches and pick up your children from sports activities. Maintaining your routines will help your children cope better.”
– Don’t talk about your worries:
According to Connor-Smith, the biggest mistake parents can make is sharing their personal concerns with their children, such as the financial cost of treatment and how it will affect their work. She says: “Those are adult concerns. They should not be shared with children; “They will only cause more anxiety and helplessness.”
— Courtesy of the American Heart Association (AHA)
